Nothings working for you
It was a stormy February night when she came in on my overnight, this woman from work. The sisters of the server I was working with. She was intoxicated at the time and talking a lot. Somehow she ended up talking to me saying I could come over to her place whenever, and what I thought implying that maybe I had a chance. Then when she went out to leave she blew me a kiss. Normally something most people who blow off as drunk nonsense, but not me. After this night I found myself stricken, thinking maybe, just maybe I had a chance with her. I'm not sure if what I want is to just hook up or be in a regular relationship with her but all I know is that I want her. But of course she has no interest in me, why would she? Why the hell who she want someone like me? I know this because she likes to tell me about all the guys shes dating, it seems to change every couple months, and she seems oblivious to me in that regard. Like I'm a mirage. Its an unfortunate cycle that I've experienced all too often in my life. 'I don't see you that way.' Or 'I look at you as a friend.' Almost every woman I have ever been interested in and actually pursued has said such things to me. Granted I haven't pursued that many but it gets tiresome. For once I'd like the woman I'm interest in to actually have the same feeling.
Today this woman was having a good day, she just won 1,000 dollars on a scratch ticket and just found out she got a full-time position at her other job, a place I had worked at before and never gotten one. Ideally I should be happy for her, glad that everything is falling into place but I can only feel despair, rage, jealousy. It really feels like it's never going to happen for me. No matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking about her, lusting after her. I can't seem to unfuck myself and get myself out of this funk, this haze. If I was a woman I could just put on a low cut shirt or something and get the attention of the opposite sex. As a man I feel the bar is set far higher. You have to have a good well paying job, be of above average height, gotta have multiple hobbies. At least that is what it feels like. So I continue working these late night hours, getting out at midnight most nights, overnight on the weekend. Alone always alone. Feeling something like Lee Harvey Oswald or Jeffery Dahmer strange lone white man living alone. I don't mind the solitude most times but other times it can be tough, when my thoughts are feeling unstable and depressed. When my only company is the sound of my own thoughts in my head mulling over every detail.
It just feels like I continue to get fucked no matter what I do. I stopped drinking because it was totally making me feel like shit and I'm glad for it, but now I just feel so profoundly empty. Entirely devoid of purpose, just living a stupid meaningless existence with absolutely no rhyme or reason at all. I'm trying to do all the things your'e supposed to do, I show up to work every day, been going to the gym consuming alot of water but I still feel this deep void. It feels like I'm just one stupid mistake away from completely falling into ruin, losing my apartment, being homeless. It's not sure, I do know that but I can't shake that feeling that it could happen. I rarely expect good things to happen to me but I recognize that sometimes I don't take steps to improve myself. I've been somewhat obsessed with certain woman before in a similar manner, usually it just goes away with time. It would just be so nice to one time lust after somehow who feels the same way. So tired of lusting.
Today this woman was having a good day, she just won 1,000 dollars on a scratch ticket and just found out she got a full-time position at her other job, a place I had worked at before and never gotten one. Ideally I should be happy for her, glad that everything is falling into place but I can only feel despair, rage, jealousy. It really feels like it's never going to happen for me. No matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking about her, lusting after her. I can't seem to unfuck myself and get myself out of this funk, this haze. If I was a woman I could just put on a low cut shirt or something and get the attention of the opposite sex. As a man I feel the bar is set far higher. You have to have a good well paying job, be of above average height, gotta have multiple hobbies. At least that is what it feels like. So I continue working these late night hours, getting out at midnight most nights, overnight on the weekend. Alone always alone. Feeling something like Lee Harvey Oswald or Jeffery Dahmer strange lone white man living alone. I don't mind the solitude most times but other times it can be tough, when my thoughts are feeling unstable and depressed. When my only company is the sound of my own thoughts in my head mulling over every detail.
It just feels like I continue to get fucked no matter what I do. I stopped drinking because it was totally making me feel like shit and I'm glad for it, but now I just feel so profoundly empty. Entirely devoid of purpose, just living a stupid meaningless existence with absolutely no rhyme or reason at all. I'm trying to do all the things your'e supposed to do, I show up to work every day, been going to the gym consuming alot of water but I still feel this deep void. It feels like I'm just one stupid mistake away from completely falling into ruin, losing my apartment, being homeless. It's not sure, I do know that but I can't shake that feeling that it could happen. I rarely expect good things to happen to me but I recognize that sometimes I don't take steps to improve myself. I've been somewhat obsessed with certain woman before in a similar manner, usually it just goes away with time. It would just be so nice to one time lust after somehow who feels the same way. So tired of lusting.
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